What is this series again?

It’s a 5-part series, in which I tell you about the many products I’ve slathered on myself across each of 5 decades, and why - often with decidedly mixed results.

This is (hopefully) to prevent you from wasting a) money and b) emotional outlay in the same vast quantities that I have done over the years. Also, nostalgia is fun.

And today is the 90s?

Yes. Famously a super fun time to be a woman1.

How did I feel about the way I looked in the 90s?

Ok, so the 90s take me from 13-22. That’s a lot of life.

I had my first kiss, started going out-out, met my first love2, lost my virginity3, took my A-levels, re-took my A-levels4, set off to university in Manchester and worked part-time in retail5.

This is how I looked at the start of the 90s6:

And this is how I looked by the end.

So during this time, I still had all of the stuff swirling around from the previous decade, but now enter My Heaving Cleavage Of Destiny.

It’s difficult to know exactly how big my boobs were during this period, because they literally didn’t make bras in my size yet. I have always been small of back and large of bosom7 and that was an alien concept until the 2000s - then skinny-with-tits became the aesthetic norm, boob jobs soared and bra companies rushed to cover those newly-enhanced cleavages.

What I do know is that my first bra was when I was 11, and it was a 34B. Chances are, I was actually closer to a 28D, but I was working with what was available at the time.

I was wearing a 34E by 15 and there were so few bras for that size back then. I decided to Marks and Spencer at 17 to get ‘properly’ measured in the hope that some magical door would open and I’d suddenly find the lingerie haul of my wildest imaginings.

This task defeated three saleswomen in the lingerie department, who then all crammed themselves into my cubicle and physically tried to force my boobs into a bra with their fingers. There was no recognition from them that this was a supply issue; instead, they made me feel like I had somehow done something wrong by having these anomalous breasts. I cried all the way home on the train.

It didn’t help that Kate Moss entered the zeitgeist in the 90s. Between her and the grunge/heroin chic movement, it wasn’t an easy time to be a busty girl. The female cast of Baywatch were obviously doing their thing, but I don’t think they owned a bra between them, so it didn’t really help me out.

Bravissimo8 would come along and literally change my life in around 19999, but until then, the self-loathing ramped up another notch.

Sidebar: having boobs this size10 is kind of a weird space to try to function in peacefully, even now. Clothes are still a challenge, looking elegant is literally impossible11 and men stare all of the time. People think they’re fair game to grab12 and - even now - also do varying degrees of performance to figure out if they’re real or not13.

Other than ALL OF THIS, I actually probably felt better about myself overall than the previous decade. I was aggressively pursued by chaps throughout my teens14 and I was definitely absolutely comfortable being validated by male attention for many years to come. I had a very delightful boyfriend, who thought I was magnificent, and I was evidently attractive enough to work at French Connection, where the beautiful people of the high street hung out at the time.

But, I still cried into the mirror at least once a week. So, you know, still some work to do on the old self-esteem.

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What products was I using in the 90s and why?

Face:

So after early forays into Ten-O-Six and Clean and Clear, flirtations with St Ives apricot scrub15 and barely surviving an encounter with Oxy-10, it was time for my Clinique Era to begin.

Clinique

If you are female and had a face in the 1990s, I’m willing to bet that a Clinique product found its way onto your face during that decade.

It was perfect. The aesthetics were ideal for the 90s - all sleek bottles and pastel colours.

You took a quiz to determine your ideal routine16 and then (if you were me), disregarded the results and purchased the harshest formulations possible - the higher the number, the more effective the product, right?

So my combo was:

The soap bar - for oily skin. Even though I didn’t have oily skin, other than the excess oil it was creating to combat the extreme harshness of the products I was throwing at it17

The clarifying lotion (4) - FOUR. To their credit, I think some of the reps did try to dissuade me from this, but it took me several years to step down to 2.

Dramatically different lotion - I wish they’d had the audacity to call this ‘I’m Yellow, Motherfuckers!18”. But it wasn’t just the colour that would blow our collective consumerist minds. This had A PUMP. We were too good to shake or squeeze another bottle. WE WERE PUMPERS.

I haven’t used any of this stuff in at least 15 years, but I can still remember the smell of the Dramatically Different. As well as the slightly claggy feeling it invariably left on my skin. Still, I was locked in now, for several years to come.

The total domination of Clinique during this period normalised a few of things:

1. Spending much higher sums on skincare. No more £5 bottles for any of us. £15 or more per product showed you were serious about your skincare.

2. At the time, Clinique was only available in department stores. So you had to talk to a smily lady in a white coat to get some. And then she could ‘suggest’ the rest of the range to you. No more idly browsing the shelves at Boots without pressure; we were now vulnerable to being influenced19.

3. The early marketing stressed the importance of using the routine twice a day. No fucker needs clarifying lotion twice a day, every day. But that’s what they told us, so that’s what we did20.

4. The magic number of the 3-step routine. This laid the ground for routines to go nuclear in the future. If 3 steps were good, then imagine what 10 steps could do21!

Body Shop lip balms

I still remember how these tasted22. These were our gateway drug into decades of lip balm dependency.

And, if nothing else, they were a useful training ground for our tastebuds, essential preparation for the Mad Dog 20/20 we were about to inflict upon them during this decade23.

Make-up

13 marked the magical age at which I was allowed to start wearing make-up, and it’s fair to say that I fell headfirst into as much of the stuff as I could find.

A picture can save us several hundred words here, so I’ve about to save you about 1000 words’ worth:

I am FOURTEEN YEARS OLD HERE (1992)

You know when Just Seventeen told you to contour your browbone with blusher? This is what happened if you did. And the lop-sided blush placement on my cheeks fares no better. Absolute horrorshow.

Everything on my face is Rimmel, except the foundation, which was Boots 17 and a shade of orange that a pumpkin would envy.

Sixteen24 (1994):

Notable addition to the make-up collection here were those bronzing balls from Boots 17 that you swirled a brush around until at least one fell out and you accidentally trod it into the carpet. You know the ones.

And the lipstick? Our old friend Birthday Suit by Rimmel, of course. #250 ftw!

And by 18 (1996), we were here

By 18, I was using Black Cherry lipstick and liner.

This stuff walked so that Black Honey could run.

When I was 1925, Estee Lauder came out with the Enlighten and Lucidity foundations, sparking a 20+ year journey to find the perfect foundation26. My make-up spend starts to increase incrementally from here on in, in tandem with my rising skincare spend.

For context: by the time I go to university in 1997, I already have such a skincare/beauty habit that I effectively stop both drinking and smoking27 so that I have enough cash to fund my addiction. Most of my university friends never saw me drunk at university. In case you’ve ever doubted my commitment to product, this is Exhibit A.

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Hair

Confession: I still don’t really understand what mousse does. But in the 90s, mousse was the Final Boss of all beauty products, so vats of mousse went onto my hair. Salon Selectives and Schwarzkopf smelled the best, so those were the ones I used. This is the only effect I registered.

I was mostly using Selsun shampoo on my hair at the time, then graduated to T-Gel, because of all the psoriasis. Both made my hair like straw. Which may have been why I elected to cut it all off in 1997.

Unlike many of my cohort. I only tried box hair dye once, somehow thinking that Clairol was going to magically turn my very dark hair into something resembling Alicia Silverstone. Nope. I never used Sun-In, missing this vital rite of passage. Thoughts and prayers to all of you who succumbed.

Also, it would be remiss of me not to mention hair mascara.

We were sold a dream that could not possibly be achieved in reality. The result was flaky clumps of unevenly distributed colour. I still miss it.

As a die-hard indie kid, I desperately, desperately wanted purple hair and an undercut, but I was too scared. I still believe this combo is in my future at some point28.

Mostly, my hair was there for turbo-moshing until I was about 18, then I went blonde and sadly moshed no more.

Body

Little changes since the 80s here, except I started loofahing with gusto. I should have just applied a sanding disc to my face and body every morning.

I became terrified of cellulite, even though I didn’t have any, and let myself get talked into a VERY EXPENSIVE YSL lotion by one of the White Coats. I don’t like the smell, it has no visible effects and I still repurchase another 2 bottles. This will become a theme.

What did I smell like?

The deodorant of choice was still coming from France, but I’d switched from Fa to Oe.

I LOVED the smell of Oe. it was fruity and weird and smelled sort of like floral bubblegum in deodorant form29

I - obviously - owned all 3 at some point, but one of them30 was the greatest smell my teenaged nostrils had ever smelled. At some point in the 90s, I moved from this to Dove original and I’ve barely looked back.

At 13 I had a brief, obligatory dalliance with White Musk.

From 14-18 I wore Coco Chanel. I distinctly remember my mum telling me that “It’s far too old for you”. I now realise why - that stuff is slutty as hell in the best possible way. I still love it on others to this day.

It was the 90s, so obviously I had my turns with CK One and CK Be. Although I never really liked them.

Then, just as the decade was drawing to a close, I landed on Gucci Envy and wore that for YEARS.

And just like that, this trip down memory lane is done. And what is a post about 90s beauty without this iconic video?

Next week: the 00s. And (spoiler!) my first cosmetic surgery.

Until the next time! x

23

The only photo I can find with the packaging that I grew-up with is this veritable rogues gallery of appalling 90s drinks. In all sincerity, I can only remember how Mad Dog tasted when I threw it back up at the end of a night. This is not a ringing endorsement of the product or my youthful exploits.

Life hack: If you don’t want your teenage daughters getting wasted and fingered (usually in that order), don’t bring them up in a small town where there’s literally nothing else to do. Like and subscribe for more parenting tips from this childless woman!

So I seem to have inadvertently nominated myself1 as The Lady On The Internet Telling You What To Do With Your Face. And 90% of my motivation for being here is to try to prevent you from wasting a) money and b) emotional outlay in the same vast quantities that I have done over the years.

I thought it might be helpful to contextualise this and share just how many products I’ve slathered on myself, and why - often with decidedly mixed results.

Are we really starting in the 80s?

Yep. I was born in the 70s23, but my formative experiences with beauty were in the 80s.

My beauty lineage

I’m an only child4 and didn’t grow up near my extended family, so my mum was the centre of all my early exposure to product. My mum, it is fair to say, is a beauty.

Her mum (also a beauty) was one of 4 sisters, the most glamorous of whom was called Joan. She used to work on a beauty counter and get embroiled in scandals.

All the sisters were quite ‘appearance aware’ and my mum inherited that from them. She would always bring a meticulously organised vanity case with her on holiday and had a proper dressing table in her bedroom5.

I have always had a dressing table everywhere that I’ve lived since, no matter how small the room. Doing my make-up at the bathroom mirror is hell to me - I want to sit and contemplate my face quietly for a few minutes at the start of each day.

I was obsessed with makeup - especially eyeshadow6 - from as early as I can remember. I was told strictly no make-up until I was 13, so the 80s were largely a makeup-free zone. Instead, I had to channel all of my childish wonder (and wallet) into skincare, whilst imagining the infinite possibilities of tomorrow.

How did I feel about the way I looked in the 80s?

So the 80s take me from 3-12 years old and it was A TORRID TIME.

I was actually a very cute kid:

But then I went through puberty at 87. That meant I had a face and body that a child shouldn’t really have, and it caused me some issues8. There are vanishingly few pictures of me during this period, because I felt - frankly - like an ugly freak and fled from cameras, but here are a couple. I AM TEN HERE. TEN.

All of this was Pretty Horrid9. I had boobs and pubic hair at 8, and my features were just too big for my face for a while.

I was first told by a friend when I was 8 or 9 that my nose was too big. That stuck with me until I was 30, at which point I had the first of two nose jobs, so that I’d stop crying into the mirror weekly about my face.

I also have profound autism, which went undiagnosed until my 40s, and my experience of the late eighties was characterised by an overwhelming desperation to be normal, inside and out. But that wasn’t the hand I was dealt, and I became (I now realise) obsessed with finding the magic bottle that was going to transform the outside, at least10.

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What products was I using in the 80s and why?

Face:

Camay (i.e. highly perfumed soap) to wash my face.

With the benefit of hindsight, all this did was simultaneously break my skin out and make it dry. Because it was the 80s and there was no internet, I was at the mercy of TV advertising and hardcore in-store psychology, and therefore made Bad Choices.

So I added these to the party, in the hope that they would help:

Clearasil

I can’t find a photo of the stuff I had - it was a gel. And it was never going to solve my sebaceous filaments. There’s a non-zero chance that Procter & Gamble have destroyed all evidence that it existed after it11 was single-handedly found to be responsible for melting the polar ice caps.

But check out this messaging for another product in the range12

Be ladylike, girls. Spots and loud music = dying alone.

Witch Hazel (generic)

That black residue on cotton wool in the Clearasil ad was pretty enticing though. And witch hazel promised an astringent experience par excellence. So I added it to the ever-increasing collection of bottles around the sink. To zero positive effect. I also had it in stick form, with the enticingly named Witch Stick13. That also did nothing except make my face, essentially, feel on fire.

Body Shop Cucumber Cleansing Milk

I can’t find a photo of the actual 80s bottle, but when I tell you that I am viscerally experiencing the smell as I type this 😂

I was just smearing this on14 and hoping for the best. That went about as well as you can imagine.

Body Shop Japanese Washing Grains

At the time, this was the best thing I could imagine scraping over my reddened, compromised skin barrier. Sheer lunacy. It did make a very satisfying little paste in my trembling girlish hands though.

Aapri

My under-developed frontal lobe apparently determined that the overarching problem with my skin was that I still had too much of it. So I added yet another exfoliant to the pile. This stuff was the UK’s answer to the infamous St Ives Apricot Scrub. We didn’t need to rely on our US cousins to scratch our faces into oblivion. No siree.

Old Lady Face Creams

These can all actually have merit, in the correct context. That context is not an 12 year-old with a compromised skin barrier, undiagnosed eczema and a sensitivity to perfumed skincare. But this is what was on TV and cost under a fiver, so this is what I bought.

NB: I don’t mean to imply by this roster of products that I had a consistent daily routine. Oh no, no. I just had this stuff knocking around that I would use sporadically and could very easily go from just the soap one day to throwing every single product listed here at my poor little face in one go, because I was feeling especially bad about myself that day. This behaviour will continue until my late twenties.

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Make-up

Not relevant until the 90s, when I turned 13.

Hair

No major investments happening here. Whatever shampoo and conditioner was around. Forays into glitter gel15 and the deep joy of my combination crimper/straightener.

Body

Literally nothing, from memory. I’m not convinced anyone in my home town was applying body lotion in the 80s. We’d just get into a bath16 full of lavender bath pearls/cubes, then get out and call it a day.

What did I smell like?

Other than possibly burning skin and exhaustion?

I grew up in the UK, but my dad is French and we would take multiple trips to France a year to fill the car to the brim with all the Frenchy things. I was doing beauty hauls decades ahead of my time. It led to a lifelong habit of stockpiling product that I’m still struggling to shed in my 40s.

In the 80s, my perfume and deodorant were from France17. I used a lime-scented deodorant by a brand called Fa, but the real work was being done in the hypermarket perfume aisles. For the purposes of this post, I dredged my memory and remembered that I wore a perfume called Garçonne. That was easy to track down. But then I realised…

…I owned 4 of these at any one time (1, 2, 3 and 5). The other 3 must have smelled unimaginably appalling for me to have rejected them.

And that brings us to the end of the 80s. Let’s say goodbye to Little Me.

Send her some love; life was BRUTAL for her quite a lot of the time.

We also say goodbye to the 80s. I leave you with this slice of utter insanity from that decade. The whole thing is delightfully unhinged, but peaks at about the 1 minute mark.

Until the next time! x

(Next week: the 90s.)

As I’ve said countless times, a majority of my inspiration for my posts here comes from stuff that people1 ask me. This week, we had a bizarre synergy where I’d finally decided to write this one, which has been rattling in my head for a while, then my beloved friend Maxie2 asked me this exact question. #kismet.

Why I - regrettably - know so much about this

If you’ve been here a while345, then you may remember that I am plagued with eczema and scalp psoriasis.

I’ve had both since I was about 12, so you can benefit from a decades-long journey of trial and error. Fortunately, the haircare industry has come a long way since the days of Selsun-or-bust6.

First: Do some rudimentary diagnosis

Dandruff or psoriasis?

I’m not going to dwell on this at length, as the treatment of these won’t vary wildly, but they look different - dandruff tends to be accompanied by greasy hair and widespread small flakes throughout the hair. Psoriasis tends to concentrate along the hairline (front and back) and is characterised by larger, silvery flakes that will cling stubbornly to the roots of your hair.

Scalp type?

Like the rest of your skin, this comes in dry, balanced or oily. It’s also possible to be dry at the hairline and oily elsewhere. For funsies.

Hair type

This defies a pithy roundup, but hopefully by now you already know the texture, density and porosity of your hair, as well as any underlying concerns/conditions that you’re treating7. This is important, because your routine needs to balance your scalp management with your actual haircare.

Environmental factors

Scalp flaking can worsen if you’re exposed to a lot of aircon and/or central heating. A humidifier next to your bed and one on your desk8 may be beneficial9.

Also, psoriasis can reduce with sun exposure. So if you’ve seen it clear up on holiday and then it comes back, this is likely why.

NB - Once in a while, it’s just sunburn

If you sunburn your scalp10, this will cause scalp flaking - the same way skin can peel anywhere on your body post-sunburn.

Don’t confuse this with dandruff or psoriasis. You’re just having a temporary reaction to over-doing sun exposure.

If so, your skin has already had a hard time of things, please don’t apply salicylic products to your scalp to shift this, it’s going to heal naturally and dispapear within a few days.

BUY A CAP FOR FUTURE SUNBATHING. WEAR IT.

What might be going wrong with your current routine

Many shampoos marketed as ‘anti-dandruff’ treat flaking in isolation rather than as a symptom with multiple possible causes.

Dry scalp, dandruff, psoriasis, and sunburn can all produce flakes, but they respond differently to treatment. Medicated shampoos are formulated to reduce visible shedding - often through aggressive cleansing or harsh antifungal actives - without addressing skin barrier damage, inflammation, environmental factors or hair type.

Used indiscriminately, and without consideration for your specific scalp and hair needs, they can worsen irritation, compromise the scalp’s tolerance and create a cycle of temporary improvement followed by relapse.

I am yet to meet a medicated/coal tar shampoo that didn’t smell bad and turn my hair to straw. So I’m not covering them here.

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OK, what products should you actually use?

Pre-cleanse

If you have a bad flare-up or you’ve found it impossible to shift flakes, you’ll probably benefit from an acid-based11 pre-shampoo treatment12.

Bumble and Bumble made the best one I’ve ever used13, but then discontinued it, like absolute bastards14.

I’ve toyed with a few others, but none are as satisfying. I levelled out at The Inkey’s glycolic acid scalp scrub. It is very cheap (by volume)15, it works, and a bottle lasts months. My skin tolerates glycolic acid well - not everyone’s does. Patch test this first before applying it all over. A little stinging is normal; feeling as though you’re about to burst into flames is not.

Shampoo

Unless you’re blessed with just flakes and have otherwise entirely unproblematic hair, it’s probably wise to double shampoo1617, using a scalp clarifying shampoo first, then a cosmetic shampoo that’s specific to your hair type.

NB if you’ve used a pre-cleanse scalp treatment, just single shampoo with the cosmetic shampoo. Scalp treatment + clarifying shampoo, is almost certainly overkill.

I currently use the Q+A salicylic acid clarifying shampoo. It’s cheap, works and is easily available in much of the world18.

Then my second wash is with whichever cosmetic shampoo I have in rotation (currently this).

My current conditioner is this, although I typically use K18 every other wash.

During the first wash, make sure you really give your scalp a thorough going over with your fingertips, massaging the shampoo really well into whichever part of your hairline is prone to flakes. This is really important to loosen and lift all of the dead skin and send it hurtling down your drain and to its inevitable fatberg destiny.

Final note on shampoo

Kerastase make the most luxurious scalp cleansing shampoo on the market. It is a joy to use, but I don’t think it’s worth the price tag when you can get something as effective at scalp-clearing for 1/3 of the price19.

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Post-wash

For the psoriasis people - occasionally, for no reason other than to fuck up your entire day, you may find that there’s suddenly a fresh outbreak of flakes around your hairline after your hair has dried.

If this happens every wash, it’s time to reconsider your products, but if you have a one-off flare and this is catastrophic to your plans, you can lift the flakes from your scalp with a fine-toothed comb and blast them up the hair shaft with a hairdryer20.

Skincare21 - If you have a dry scalp, always make sure that you’re taking your facial moisturiser22 all the way to your hairline. This, admittedly, puts you on a knife-edge of appropriately hydrating your scalp vs making your hair greasy, but I’m backing you to succeed in this.

Scalp-oiling/massage

Advice varies on scalp oiling - some advocate for pre-wash, some advocate for post-wash on wet hair only, others for nightly on dry hair only.

If your hair tends greasy or is fine, scalp oiling is a quick way to limpness. You’ll need to weigh up the benefits.

If you have coarse, dry hair and a flaky scalp, scalp oiling is YOUR FRIEND.

Rosemary oil

There are a raft of hair oils on the market, many making outlandish claims. The debate rages on this one. I’m not getting involved. But I broadly trust Lab Muffin Beauty, and this is what she had to say23:

My hair oil recommendation24
I’ve used the Mielle, I’ve used the JVN. If you’ve heard of it, I’ve either used it or dismissed it.

I don’t oil my scalp any longer, because - it turns out - I do not actually need extra oil on my scalp, but this was my favourite.

1,200 years of use by the Japanese? Sign me the fuck up. This is available basically everywhere, is great value and I’ll be amazed if the bottle doesn’t last you a year.

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Peppermint oil (and haircare products containing peppermint)

Word to the wise: if you have a sensitive scalp, peppermint is highly likely to aggravate it and make your flakes worse.

Fingers or gizmos?

AKA Do you need something that looks like this in your life?

These can be used both to apply and work in your shampoo and to massage your scalp (as can your fingers). It’s really up to you which sensation you prefer and if you think these work better than your hands.

If having one of these will make you more inclined to spend time getting up close and personal with your scalp, I’d recommend you buy one.

There are dozens of different types of these, pick one that you like. This one is currently a bestseller.

1. No, you don’t need an electric one

2. Silicone is easiest to clean

3. It shouldn’t cost you more than £$5-10

Forever? Forever ever? Forever ever?

For some of you, if you find the right combo, you won’t need to worry about this again. Once you stop treating flakes in isolation and tailor your routine to the underlying cause, most scalp issues become far more manageable.

If your flakes keep coming back, check whether you’re over-cleansing or exfoliating, and whether your routine is compatible with your hair type and environment. It may be that you need gentler products, more frequently, to keep on top of your scalp’s cell renewal.

Psoriasis will almost certainly require ongoing management. If your skin tolerates it, use a scalp cleanse treatment25 during significant flares and revert to gentler products once things are under control. As with your skincare routine, consistent use of less aggressive products tend to give better, more sustainable results than concentrated efforts during a crisis.

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Maxie - I hope this sorts you out 😉😘26.

Until the next time! x

So… WTF is it?

Double-shampooing, hopefully unsurprisingly, is the concept of washing your hair twice in succession - then using your conditioner/hair treatment/whatever as usual.

The typical technique is to concentrate on cleaning the scalp for the first wash, then washing the whole length of your hair with the second wash.

You can use the same shampoo for both washes, or 2 different ones, depending on your hair’s needs.

What’s the point of it? I mean, what does it actually do?

Few things:

1. The main theory is that your ‘first’ shampoo gets rid of the superficial layer of dirt (oil, sweat, grime, all the good stuff) coating the hair. That means that the ‘second’ wash can give you an intensive clean.

2. You might need different things from your shampoos. If you have a specific hair type (eg curly, frizzy), but it’s also (for example) damaged, you might need 2 shampoos to treat each of those effectively1.

3. You might just hate the smell of the shampoo that your hair responds best to. A second wash will retain the benefits, but replace the smell.

4. The blindingly obvious: your hair usually gets double-shampooed at the hairdresser’s, so it must be ‘better’.

How does it work?

It cleans your hair twice.

Is it the same thing as pre-shampooing?

No. But the fact that that’s known predominantly as pre-poo2 means that I’m not willing to give it any further airtime here. You can Google that one - you’re on your own.

Is it the same thing as double-cleansing?

No, that’s this:

And why would someone want it?

People with thick hair, who only wash it every few days

If this is you3, double shampooing is a good idea. If you’re washing it infrequently, your hair will accumulate a lot of grime between washes. If you use styling products, you also risk product build-up if you’re not getting your hair completely clean each wash.

People managing a scalp condition as well as a hair concern

If this is you4, it’s likely that you use a specialised shampoo to treat your scalp. Those aren’t typically formulated to give you Timotei hair5, so you’ll probably want a second wash with a more cosmetic shampoo that makes you feel like this.

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How much is it?

You will potentially use twice as much shampoo, but:

1. If you’re only washing your hair twice a week, you’re not using a huge amount of shampoo in any case

2. You only need a small amount both times. You’ll likely be surprised at how easily your second wash lathers up.

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Does it hurt?

Only when you get an ouchie if it stings your eyes.

Do I do it?

I now do this most times that I wash my hair. I have SO MUCH HAIR6 and washing it is a giant pain. I started double washing about 6 months ago7 and really found it made a difference:

• My hair looked/felt greasy less quickly

• It reduces the frequency of my psoriasis flare-ups

Shoutout to my delightful Brazilian hairdresser who had to triple wash my hair to get all the glitter out of it post-Carnaval 2024.

Should you do it?

Probably, if one or more of the following apply to you:

1. You have thick hair

2. You wash your hair infrequently

3. You’re managing more than one hair/scalp concern

4. You live in a hard water area

Probably not if you:

1. Wash your hair every day

2. Have thin hair8 - you’re likely to just weigh your hair down. Although it still might be worth considering if you need a scalp or colour-enhancing shampoo as well as a volumising shampoo.

Anything else I think you should know?

Out of the goodness of my heart, this is a grid that suggests the order of shampoos if you do decide to double shampoo9.

Until the next time! x

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Disclaimer: ‘WTF is…’ guides are intended to be a 3-5 minute introduction to a topic. They are, by their nature, not exhaustive.

If you have a concern that I’ve irresponsibly included/omitted information, don’t hesitate to get in touch to let me know and I’ll take a look.

Reminder that any cosmetic work undertaken should be in accordance with The 6 rules of cosmetic work. Here they are, in case you missed them the first time…

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7

I use 2 different shampoos each time. More to follow on this next week. OOOOH!

1) Does your nose really need moisturising?

1. Unless it’s markedly dry/flaky, it probably doesn’t need it. The nose is a significant oil producer for most.

   
   If you are using products from your nose that are too harsh and then having to re-introduce moisture, because you feel ‘stripped’, you should rethink your routine1.
   
   If you stop needlessly spreading product on an area that doesn’t need it, you’ll use 5-7% less moisturiser per day, every single day2.

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2) If you live at the gloomier end of the northern hemisphere3, seriously consider whether you need to use SPF during the winter.

From a skin cancer and skin-ageing perspective, the risk from UV exposure applies if you are outdoors when the UV index is above 3. So, unless the sun index is above 3, your SPF is largely redundant.

On days when you’re not leaving the house at all, amidst the depths of winter, there is really, really no need.

Now. There is always4 a US citizen5 who will pipe up at this point to tell you that - ACTUALLY - even 14 seconds spent without SPF in an underground bunker in Minsk in January can instantly cause skin ageing so severe that your own mother would not recognise you6. Or that if you spend an hour sitting by a window in winter on a cloudy day, wrinkles will beset you from all sides and you will DIE HORRIBLY within a fortnight7.

Look. You are a grown-up, I’m not asking you to adopt any behaviours that you think are risky. But be aware of the advice given by actual cancer organisations on this, please.

The WHO-approved sun index app is here.

Sidebar

If you have read the above and rubbed your hands together with glee, because you use a moisturiser that contains SPF, I have BAD NEWS.

You need to use at least 2 finger lengths of moisturiser to get adequate SPF protection. Virtually no-one uses that much. Especially if it’s tinted8.

So your moisturiser-with-SPF is not as virtuous or versatile as you might have expected.

Oh, and whilst I have you:

Layering SPF 15 + SPF 15 ≠ SPF 30

It just gives you SPF 15 protection.

Heartbreak over, there’s good news right around the corner

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3) If you are using SPF every day, you might not need an additional moisturiser

Now… If you’re living in a country with a perpetually high sun index, or you have been specifically instructed to wear SPF every day by a doctor, your SPF might be able to pull double-duty for you.

We have all been told for years that moisturiser is THE MUST-DO, but honestly, modern SPF has become a decent substitute.

People of the US - you have limited access9 to modern SPFs. I wrote about this here:

Now, if you’re literally anywhere else in the world, facial SPF formulations10 have improved to such an extent that the tinted options can even rival your foundation/tinted moisturiser. I have written endlessly about my love of specific Biore and La Roche Posay products, and all links are in this post.

If you have specific skin conditions that your moisturiser needs to tackle, then keep using it. If, however, you’re being adequately moisturised by your high-performing SPF, you don’t have to use moisturiser as well.

If you’re reading and you’ve gone a bit squinty-eyed that I told you a) you can’t use a moisturiser with SPF instead of SPF, if you want effective SPF coverage, but I’m saying you can b) use SPF instead of a moisturiser and skip off into the sunset, this is why:

A moisturiser containing SPF won’t give you the SPF protection you need, because facial moisturiser isn’t formulated (or priced) to be used 2-fingers-at-a-time and that’s the quantity that you need for effective protection.

A facial SPF has been formulated so that the appropriate 2-finger volume will distribute well into the skin. So an SPF specifically designed to have moisturising/cosmetic properties in addition to its primary function as an SPF is far more versatile than its moisturiser-with-SPF cousin.

Still listen to what your skin needs - for those with very dry skin, for example, you may need an additional stand-alone moisturiser for some or all of the year. But if you’re in a climate that means you’re using SPF every day11, don’t feel you have to buy a moisturiser your skin doesn’t actually need, just because you keep being told that moisturising is important.

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4) You do not, and will never, need to buy the skincare that they try to foist on you after a procedure/treatment

I know. We’ve all been there. You’ve had a facial or been for microneedling or even been to the fucking dentist in some instances, and someone in a white coat grins at you and tells you that, to maintain the results, you MUST buy this thing in a tiny bottle from a brand you’ve never heard of, that somehow costs more than the treatment itself.

You don’t. You CAN, if you want to.

But if you’re trying to spend less on skincare, this is a permanent out, from me, that you can save your money on these products. Even if they get weird with you about it. This is just a high-pressure sales tactic. Swan out of there with your head high and your credit card unravaged.

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5) Don’t buy new products just because you’re bored

Social media has normalised (even fetishised) having a bajillion products on the shelf.

Please, please, please remember that people making skincare videos are almost always 1) full-time employed as influencers, are receiving free products and writing off anything they do buy against tax 2) want to be full-time employed as influencers, so are buying products to increase their visibility to those brands12.

You do not have to have a bajillion products on the shelf. Just the handful that are genuinely working hard for you.

It is not normal, necessary or appropriate for one human to own 47 serums.

If your product is doing its job, i.e. your skin looks decent and isn’t irritated, breaking out, flaking or regressing: don’t buy a ‘new’ product that performs the same function until you have used up the old one.

Every time you ignore/throw away a half-used product to try something new, you’ve effectively doubled the cost of whatever replaces it.

Until the next time! x

8

Except maybe this guy.

1. Don’t buy any skincare until you’ve properly understood your skin type.
   
   

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2. Only buy products that are suitable for your skin type and that address

   specific skin concerns that you have observed1 and want to tackle.
   
   Basically, don’t fall for any marketing bollocks.
   
   

   ---

3. Remind yourself at all times that the best skincare routine is the least skincare routine. If your skin isn’t getting what it needs from 10 bottles, adding an 11th is not going to suddenly change your life. Review and refine your existing skincare instead.
   
   

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4. Be aware that your lifestyle choices are at least equally responsible for the condition of your skin. I’m not here to judge, but: drinking less alcohol, sleeping well, not smoking/vaping/taking Class As, and eating a nutritionally balanced diet will do more for your skin than the contents of any bottle.
   
   

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5. Remind yourself wherever you’re tempted to forget it: there is no such thing as Botox in a bottle. The only bottle that does what Botox does is the one marked ‘Botox’2. Just get fucking Botox or stop fretting about your wrinkles. Those are your choices, realistically. Both are equally valid.
   
   

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6. Do not introduce more than one new product to your routine at a time3. BONUS: allow at least 6 weeks to determine the efficacy of any new product in your routine.
   
   

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7. Embrace boring routines and skincare stalwarts. Do not treat your skin as a trend. Skin has been covering our bodies for millennia. Steer clear of anything Brand New for a few years. Let others find out the hard way that all was not as it seemed. Life is safer that way.

   
   Exhibit A of Why Not To Be An Early Adopter Of New Treatments:
   
   

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8. If you have any skincare products that have been open for more than 12 months, throw them away45. Today. Skincare goes off.
   
   If it’s not open, but it’s been knocking around for a while, check the expiry date and bin anything out of date.

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9. Don’t automatically expect a skincare product or treatment to have the same effects on your skin as someone else’s. Skin type, genetics, lifestyle factors all come into play. It might work well for you, but it won’t definitely work well for you6.
   
   

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10. Understand that participation in skincare is entirely optional. If you choose not to pursue any skincare beyond the bare minimum required for health and hygiene purposes7, THAT IS OK. Spend your money on cake, or automotive parts, or Labubus.
    
    Don’t let yourself get railroaded into skincare if you’re genuinely unbothered/uninterested.
    
    You are the boss of you.

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Happy new year!

I published a version this post about 18 months ago, but this is revised and updated1 for 2025 as this insanity continues.

Things have changed a lot since a teenager’s biggest decision was whether they were Team White Musk or Team Dewberry at the Body Shop2. There’s an increasing trend for younger and younger teens/children wanting to jump on the skincare bandwagon.

It’s all driven by social media nonsense and chances are you have someone in your family who’s clamouring for some mysterious lotion in a bottle.

First things first

Do not give in to their demands

If your children are mithering3 you for expensive products, just say no4.

You are not doing them any favours by conceding.

If you start them using multi-ingredient concentrated products as teenagers (or younger), you’re more likely to harm their skin barriers and put them on the route to a lifetime of skin sensitivity than anything else.

Also, establishing an expensive skincare habit in childhood is a fucking stupid idea. You’re either going to be subsidising this in perpetuity, or they’re going to be struggling financially to continue using these products once they’ve flown the coop.

Drawing a boundary now is the kindest thing you can do for them.

What are they really looking for here?

The vast majority of the time, your child is asking you for something that they’ve seen someone unqualified in skincare promoting on TikTok. A depressing amount of the time, they want it so that they can make a video showing themselves using it, to perpetuate the cycle of pointless consumerism5.

I did a Marketing Bollocks checklist towards the end of this post.

If your kid can’t answer every single one of these questions compellingly and knowledgably, do not buy this product for them.

I’m aware that it‘s very easy for me, as Random Lady On The Internet, to tell you how to parent your kids. But it’s in everyone’s interests that you nip this nonsense in the bud.

If you absolutely must go down the route of buying them skincare that they don’t need:

1. Check it’s not a risk of being harmful to their young skin (pointers below)

2. At a minimum, make your child pay for half of the cost of it and be clear that you will never, ever pay for a refill. See how enthusiastic they are when they’re shouldering the cost.

Dermatologist

If your child has eczema/dermatitis/acne/rosacea/any other visible and recurring skin condition and is asking you to start spending £££ on skincare to treat these, take them to a dermatologist first.

NHS waiting lists are terrifying right now, but paying to go private will still be cheaper in the long run than committing to £200 worth of products that may not work and will need replacing every 3 months6

No idea how to find a derm? Start here.

Do not purchase actives for under 18s unless a dermatologist has prescribed/recommended.

Do, though, take your child’s skin conditions seriously. These can be incredibly traumatising and some can cause scarring that may take many years of expensive treatments to remedy in the future if not handled effectively and sensitively when they develop.

Your dermatologist is still better qualified to help you and your child(ren) through this than a 15 year-old skinfluencer7 on TikTok.

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Other things that are more effective than spending money on skincare for teenagers

If your child doesn’t have an underlying skin condition, but wants to be let loose in the aisles of Sephora, all of these things are promote their skin health better than expensive, complex products:

• Being aware of their skin type, rather than buying whatever The Herd is buying

• Establishing a simple, regular routine (more below)

• Applying SPF

• Not smoking/vaping

• Not drinking more than 6 units of alcohol a week

• Eating foods that are high in vitamin E

If you have children that are demanding expensive anti-ageing skincare, let them know that if they’re smoking8/vaping/drinking/eating a load of crap, they need to stop doing those things before you’ll fund9 those skincare purchases.

(To manage your expectations: they’re highly unlikely to actually stop.)

Routine

The best skincare routine is the simplest one10:

Morning:

ONLY IF NEEDED: Wash face with a gentle cleanser - keep an eye on this and monitor for any rashes/breakouts/sensitivity, many people do not need to wash their faces in the mornings and can skip straight to

SPF - the most important thing if they genuinely want to prevent the visible signs of skin ageing

It may be tempting to give them a moisturiser with SPF, but they may not need a separate moisturiser and it’s better to give them a product whose primary function is SPF with moisturising properties rather than a moisturiser with SPF added.

Night:

Wash face with a gentle cleanser - this is most important at night; their skin to get clogged if their SPF hasn’t been washed off properly

If they’re wearing make-up, double cleansing with gentle products at night is probably a good idea.

Moisturise - check their moisturiser doesn’t contain an SPF (clogging, again).

Reminder to you and them that there are no guarantees and genes play a greater role in how/how visibly their skin will age than any product can or will

Last thing on routine

If they’re wearing make-up, do not get them into the habit of using makeup wipes to remove it, or micellar water as a stand-alone.

Make-up wipes are for when there is really no other option, basically in the absence of a sink. You wouldn’t let your kid ‘shower’ by dragging a baby wipe across their body on a daily basis. The same principle applies here. Make-up wipes are terrible for the environment, don't clean the face effectively and are not intended for daily use.

Micellar water is fine for removing superficial make-up, but not enough to remove SPF or most mascaras. It can be used for an initial pass, but then needs a foaming cleanser over it to remove residue11.

Sheet masks Babe, these are soooo 2010. There’s been a backlash against sheet masks since around 2019, both from an environmental and efficacy standpoint. I get that they’re ‘fun’, but they’re no good.

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Brands that can satisfy their consumer urges without bankrupting you

Simple

This brand’s MO has always been to be cheap and unfussy. This is perfect for your teen.

Superdrug

Safe options are the Solait SPF and Vitamin E ranges.

Everything else risks being too concentrated or spendy for their requirements

Byoma

Their packaging is cute, the products are solid and the entire ethos of the brand is to respect the skin barrier. Yes!

La Roche Posay

It’s not a skincare post unless I wang on about LRP at some point.

Now, most of their stuff is too concentrated for average teen skin, or I’d struggle to justify the expense vs the cheaper options above, but this cleanser is gentle and the 400ml should last them most of the year, which makes it an insane bargain.

Their SPFs are also world beating.

Biore

As night follows day. It’s another LRP/Biore doubleheader.

For your teen, the UK formulation of The Greatest Non-Tinted Facial SPF Of All Time12 is more than fine.

Their gentle moisturiser is also fantastic for younger skin. The rest of their skincare is likely too concentrated.

Absolutely not (unless recommended to them by a derm)

• Glycolic acid

• Salicylic acid (aka BHA)

• The Ordinary, Inkey

  • These brands contain actives in concentrations that aren’t meant for young skins

  • The ranges are often tricky for adults to navigate, I wouldn’t unleash your kids on them

• Bubbles

  • This brand seems to have been created specifically to be marketed aggressively to kids

  • A majority of their facial products are too strong for teenage skins. Don’t take my word for it, their website used tell you the same thing, (evidence below)13

  • At first glance, it doesn’t look too expensive, but their packaging sizes are very small, so the price per ml is astronomical, in some cases

• Drunk Elephant (where a lot of this began)

  I specifically called them out as a brand that adults shouldn’t be wasting their money on last year, so definitely do not waste any cash buying this for kids

• I feel the same about Glossier (I know, I know, they’ve made the brand super appealing to your kid. Blame them, not me.)

• Sincerely Yours. Created by a 15 year-old influencer and her dad. Rather than lining their pockets, buy products from firms that have been established in skincare for decades. Mercifully currently only available in the US. Notable for its ‘affordability’ claims, because no product is over $30. How have we let this happen14?

• Sol De Janeiro This stuff is criminally overpriced. The formulation and quality also took a dive after L’Occitane bought it in 2021. And you’re not buying a piece of Brazil here, this brand is US-founded and manufactured. Any Palmers product will give you the same/better results for about a fiver.

• Anything from Lancome, Estee Lauder, Clinique, YSL, Chanel, Creme de la Mer, Augustinus Bader etc etc etc

  The luxe skin brands are generally monstrously over-priced for adults who have more complex skin concerns. No way these should be in the bathroom cabinet of a teenager.

• Teenagers don’t need eye cream. Adults probably don’t need eye cream15.

NB Be *careful* with Cetaphil and CeraVe unless derm recommended, they’re not an absolute no, but they can overwhelm younger skin, so check for redness or irritation if your child starts using.

Final reminder

I’m going to end as I began:

If you start children using multi-ingredient concentrated products as teenagers (or younger), you’re more likely to harm their skin barriers and put them on the route to a lifetime of skin sensitivity than anything else.

But I’m their cool aunt/uncle/godparent/ whatever who buys them treats

With love: if your sense of self depends on a 13-year-old’s validation, maybe rethink your life choices. And, to reiterate: many of these products risk being actively harmful to your young protégé.

But… I was organised and I’ve already bought it

Good thing shops have generous return policies at this time of year. Take it back. Spend the money on a dermatologist consultation instead, if relevant.

I know that I’m at risk of being Scrooge McDuck here, but it’s honestly not in your child’s best interests to get on this merry-go-round.

I spend a reasonable amount of time trying to persuade those of you with fully developed frontal lobes that you’re overpaying for skincare that you probably don’t even need. Please don’t encourage this form of consumerism in your kids. Buy them a manicure maybe. Just no gel polish.

Until the next time! x

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13

Link here UPDATE - these sneaky fucks have removed this question from their FAQs, but I screengrabbed it last year.

Ok, so I got all aerated about “clinically proven”; now let’s get into “medical grade”, which is bandied about with similar zeal by brands.

What does “medical grade” actually mean?

Given that we’ve established that “clinically proven” is a completely meaningless phrase1, it shouldn’t shock you to discover that medical grade also means…

Literally nothing.

It’s yet another unregulated marketing ploy.

The term doesn’t guarantee strength, safety, effectiveness, or oversight. Although it certainly encourages you to infer it.

It’s often used to imply prescription strength

To be very clear on this: the only way to legally obtain prescription-strength skincare is to be prescribed it by a doctor.

A skincare brand, even one that’s doctor-owned, cannot sell you over-the-counter a strength or concentration of ingredient that you can only obtain on prescription.

• Prescription products (like tretinoin or hydroquinone 4%) are classified as drugs or medicines, regulated by MHRA (UK) or the FDA (US).

• “Medical grade” skincare still comes under the ‘cosmetics’ umbrella which means:

  • No requirement for clinical trials

  • No obligation to disclose concentrations

  • No need to prove efficacy before sale

Once again, for those at the back: if it doesn’t require a prescription, it’s not prescription strength, no matter what the packaging suggests.

Sometimes “medical grade” is code for “sold in clinics”, but that’s just a distribution choice

• Many brands are labelled “medical” or “cosmeceutical2” because they’re sold via:

  • Dermatology clinics

  • Aesthetic practitioners

  • Medispas

But this is just a sales channel. It doesn’t mean the product itself is inherently stronger, better, or even evidence-based.

How on earth are you supposed to navigate this?

Well, you have me. And I have Notes3.

All UK prices assume a private prescription4.

Reminder about the Vitamin A concentrations: Retinoic acid is much stronger than retinol5. You need to use responsibly, but from a cost/benefits perspective, tret is a no-brainer here.

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Why do I keep wanging on about azelaic acid and tret (retinoic acid)?

Because

1. Most women over 30 whom6 I know IRL are concerned about skin ageing.

2. Many women over 30 whom I know IRL are spending a lot of money on cosmetic anti-ageing skincare, when azelaic acid and tret are a) usually cheaper b) have verified anti-ageing results. They’re actually clinically proven and peer-reviewed and all that good stuff.

3. I, for many years, spent a lot of money on cosmetic anti-ageing skincare. I would like you to benefit from my realisation that I could spend a lot less and look even lovelier.

If you’re falling for ‘medical grade’ marketing, you might as well use actual prescription skincare.

So how do you buy actual prescription skincare?

I told you this over two years ago7.

But, because some of you seem to be pathologically avoidant of clickthroughs, here it is again8:

No cosmetic skincare can achieve the results that one or both of these products can.

I would therefore urge you to replace any cosmetic skincare products that you’re specifically using with the goal of reducing fine lines or wrinkles with prescription skincare instead. No matter what the advertising/nice lady at the counter told you.

In the UK/US/Aus, retinoids above 0.12% and Azelaic acid above 15% are only available on prescription.

In the UK and Australia, both of these are cheaper on prescription than the majority of - less effective - cosmetic skincare products. In the US, pricing will depend on insurance but is higher.

Superdrug/Boots online doctors - UK only

These are both amazing - you can order a private prescription of the contraceptive pill, testosterone, prescription skincare, the morning after pill, testosterone (for menopause) and sexual health tests/medications (and a bunch of other stuff) from them. It goes to a doctor for review and then you can either collect it in-store or they post it to you, often same-day.

You can buy azelaic acid 15% (Finacea) for £22 for 30g and retinoid 0.025% (Treclin) for £28 for 30g. 30g lasts me about 8 weeks of twice-daily use.

These are not on the usual Superdrug/Boots websites. The doctor service is its own portal. Links in the heading.

Dermatica/Skin and Me (UK) Curology/Apostrophe/Dermatica (US) Software (Australia)

All of these companies operate on the same principle: you fill in an online questionnaire/have an online consultation, send some photos and they send you a bottle of bespoke formula for £25-30/$30US/$54AUD a month that you apply once a day.

For treatment of fine lines and wrinkles, the formulation typically contains retinoid, azelaic acid and niacinamide and they scale up the dose over time depending on how you respond, which means you don’t have to work it out for yourself. The dispensers typically dispense an exact amount, so you don’t over-apply.

They also have formulations for acne, rosacea and hyperpigmentation.

In the UK and Australia you’re paying slightly more for the convenience of them creating a formulation for you than you would if ordering the products separately, but it’s still much cheaper than the majority of anti-ageing cosmetic skincare. And it has a much higher chance of reducing lines and wrinkles than anything else applied topically.

In the US, I’d say this is a no-brainer.

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Bossy note #1

Reminder:

• Only introduce one new product into your routine at a time.

• Unless you have a reaction to it, monitor a new product’s results for a minimum of 6 weeks before forming an opinion

  • If you do react badly to a product, take note of what you were using it in conjunction with and at what stage you were in your menstrual cycle. If you’re keen to try it again, wait at least a week and then compare results, taking the above factors into account.

• In all instances, allow at least 2 weeks before introducing another new product

SPECIFICALLY: Do NOT go disco nuts, buy 14 things without understanding what the ingredients do, use them all in one go for 3 days and then tell me you have a reaction to them/hated them all.

Bossy note #2

You should not start using prescription skincare without consulting a dermatologist, either online or in person.

Have a consultation with a derm (this will likely be online, might be via one of the 3rd parties listed above and will almost certainly require you to answer a questionnaire honestly) before buying or applying prescription skincare. FFS.

Bossy note #3

Don’t do what I did when I signed up for a similar service in the US and overstate the severity of your skin conditions so that they send you a more concentrated dose and/or apply the product more frequently than indicated, because you still believe more is better.

More is not better when it comes to skincare. Less is better.

All you’ll do is aggravate your skin, which will then take longer to repair in the long run.

Bossy note #4

A note on buying prescription skincare from an overseas online pharmacy website: don’t. It’s only £20-30 at home - why would you bother navigating this minefield?

A note on buying prescription skincare when you’re on holiday in Mexico (where it’s available without prescription): I would strongly advise against it, even in cities. There are department stores that have pharmacies in them, these should sell authentic products, but they’re likely to be expensive.

Mexico has become a hotspot for people to purchase prescription medication over the counter, and it’s going about as well as you’d imagine. I would not risk this any time soon.

Lovely things

I’m not here urging you to deny yourself delightful skincare treats. If you have an array of expensive products that are within your budget and are bringing you joy, then go about your joy, with my love and blessings.

But be smart about it - spending £16 on azelaic acid, instead of £100 on something with no proven benefits, enables me to buy myself more diamonds9. This is about allocation of resources, not parsimony10.

TLDR: If you want something ‘medical’, buy prescription skincare.

Until the next time! x

So… WTF are they?

Sebaceous filaments are natural, tube-like structures in your pores made of:

• Sebum

• Dead skin cells

• Bacteria

They are most visible in areas with high sebum production, eg your T-zone (forehead, chin, nose), your scalp, and back.

What’s the point of them? I mean, what do they actually do?

So first, a few words on sebum. It’s usually talked about the context of acne/pimples and is often perceived as The Big Bad Wolf of secretions.

Sebum is actually doing all of the following for your skin:
1. Moisture retention and barrier protection

It forms a film over the skin’s surface to prevent water loss and helps form your acid1 mantle; a thin film that keeps bacteria, fungi, pollution and irritants out.

2. Antimicrobial defence and antioxidant support

Elements of sebum have mild antibacterial and antioxidant properties, eg squalene2.

3. Lubrication

It helps keep hair and skin soft and flexible

Yay sebum!

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Sebaceous filaments are tiny sebum transport systems that help move oil from your sebaceous glands through the follicle/pore to the skin’s surface3.

You can see them in high-oil areas when:

• The pore is large or stretched4

• The density of the oil makes it appear darker

• There’s more keratin in the mix

• Under unforgiving lighting

Teenagers are particularly prone to them as their oil production is often booming.

But wait, what’s the difference between a sebaceous filament and a blackhead then?

I. AM. SO. GLAD. YOU. ASKED.

Sebaceous filaments are supposed to be there. They’re like your sebum arteries.

Blackheads are the visible evidence of a blocked pore.

I made you this to help56:

And here is a handy visual aid:

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So, is treatment pointless?

The bad news: If you have visible sebaceous filaments - and many people do - you’re unlikely to be able to totally eradicate them.

The good news: you can minimise their visibility with the following

• Salicylic acid (BHA): Unclogs pores, dissolves oil and debris.

• Retinoids7: Regulate cell turnover, reduce clogging.

• Niacinamide: Balances oil production

• Clay masks (no more than twice a week)8: Absorb surface oil temporarily.

• Oil cleansing: There is anecdotal evidence9 that massaging an oil cleanser into your pores for 2+ minutes helps to purge sebaceous filaments

• I very rarely write about the efficacy of the sun in skincare, because it’s a can of worms that I’m just not ready to open for now, but my sebaceous filaments become significantly less visible with regular sun exposure10

• Make-up, obvs.

Do not

• Squeeze them as part of your routine - this can damage the pore wall, and they’ll just fill back up within a couple of weeks

• Use pore strips on sebaceous filaments. You might get some fun dots on the strip, but this is just surface sebum and it’s likely to disregulate the filaments11

Anything else I think you should know?

I did you A GRID. What more do you want from me?!

But I would like to reiterate that sebaceous filaments and blackheads are different badgers, and you shouldn’t automatically apply blackhead remedies to sebaceous filaments.

AND you don’t need to ‘treat’ them unless you want to. They’re part of how your skin works, and they’re doing a really good job for you 🥰.

Until the next time! x

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Disclaimer: ‘WTF is…’ guides are intended to be a 3-5 minute introduction to a topic. They are, by their nature, not exhaustive.

If you have a concern that I’ve irresponsibly included/omitted information, don’t hesitate to get in touch to let me know and I’ll take a look.

Reminder that any cosmetic work undertaken should be in accordance with The 6 rules of cosmetic work. Here they are, in case you missed them the first time…

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11

This phrase makes me think of this, for some reason

So I've written about 400 words getting a bit1 shouty about ‘Medical Grade’ skincare, and that’s almost certainly next, but then this happened today and I wanted to talk about it instead.

Lovely

I was on the Tube this morning, past commuter peak, in a relatively empty carriage. Just across from me was a woman in her (probably) mid-twenties, who I’d noticed for having beautiful-coloured hair and improbably thick false eyelashes2.

I’d mostly spent the journey a) smiling about a message I’d received overnight from a much-loved friend who lives far too far away and b) wondering why men are3.

She stood up to get off the train, but looked at me with that ‘I’m about to say something to you’ look4. This often precedes a compliment, in my experience, but I’m also warier since about 15 years ago, when a woman came up to me with that look. I smiled preemptively, waiting to be lavished with praise. Instead, she asked me if I knew that my skirt had split all the way up the back. I very much did NOT know, and the hubris still makes me wince a little bit, even now.

Anyway, today my arse was not making a last-ditch gasp for freedom and our special guest for this week smiled at me and said, “You look really lovely today. Proper smiley. Have a really great rest of your day.”

And with that, she was gone, like a little auburn fairy5

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Why this was the most perfect thing

1. I mean, it’s obviously delightful to get a sincere compliment from a random stranger before 10am

2. She had absolutely zero agenda. There’s no version of this where she was angling to buy me a bag of chips and then fingerbang me into oblivion6.

3. It’s friendly and specific, without being about a specific body part or item7.

4. The “proper smiley” component of this is actually rather beautiful. It’s the antithesis of “Cheer up love, it might never happen,” that some chaps8 deploy in the name of megabantz9. It’s more “Thanks for giving me a glimpse into your joy. It suits you”. You know?

5. She hopped off and went about her day before I had to get into a whole reciprocal conversation. I just about had time to say “That’s really kind, thanks!” before the doors closed.

6. It radiated through the rest of my day. The friend I met for brunch greeted me with a “You look gorgeous!” and when I ran into someone else I hadn’t seen in 6 months, she was similarly effusive. Now, it may just be that today I had An Incredibly Good Hair Day, but I suspect I had a little more pep in my step because of the Auburn Fairy’s unexpected compliment.

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Why I want to talk about it

1. Let the record show that I looked fucking great on 27 October 2025.

2. Sincere compliments are a beautiful thing, but the temptation is often to focus on one specific thing, which often does more to compliment someone’s taste than their appearance.

   
   The advice - which I’ll repeat here - is to instead try to give a compliment that transcends appearance. “You look really lovely” isn’t “I like your hair” or “Have you lost weight?” or “Nice dress!”. It’s just: you look really lovely.

   
   Some will advise you to compliment a person’s choices. I had this happen to me on a dating app the other day, and I can’t say I care for it.
   
   Our hapless (and short-lived) hero fired in with: “Great boots10! And incredible lips 🔥”

   Me: “This is really just congratulating me on things that I‘ve bought11.”

   We didn’t last long.

3. I might be about to embark on a Masculine Cleanse12, which, amongst other things, encourages you to find validation from within yourself, rather than from men.
   

   This should give me some bandwidth to throw out some scattergun validation of my own. I’m going to start dishing out ad hoc “You look really lovely today”s to the women of the world.

   
   I encourage you to do the same. I’m pretty sure it feels equally good to be on either side of that exchange.

Wolves

If you were raised by wolves13 and are still struggling to know what not to say to people about their appearance, this may help:

Until the next time! x

We’ve all seen it, the glowing face, the woman in a lab coat and specs and the “clinically proven” in shiny font, persuading you to part with your cash in the pursuit of youth and beauty.

It implies rigorous science and incontrovertible results, conjuring up images of double-blind trials, control groups and peer-reviewed papers. It should at a minimum mean that the product’s efficacy has been independently confirmed.

Well…

What does “clinically proven” actually mean?

For a company to claim that their product is clinically proven, they need to adhere to the following:

Literally nothing.

There’s no universal standard for what qualifies as ‘clinical’ in cosmetic advertising. The phrase isn’t regulated.

So that means…?

As long as the company doesn’t outright lie about the results of their study, it can be any of the following:

• Paid for and defined by the brand

• Unpublished - i.e. you can’t see the methodology or unedited results

• Small-scale - as few as 10 participants

• Subjective - based on personal impressions rather than measurable outcomes

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Beware the asterisk

There’s almost always an asterisk (sometimes more than one) in the ads for “proven” products.

Here’s one I saw in the wild recently (arrows helpfully added by me).

Now, I couldn’t even find the explanation for the first asterisk on the poster, but (handy arrow to the rescue) notice that there are another 2, even smaller ones, that do have a label1.

So this has been '“scientifically proven” by the company2 by them paying an expert to look at some photos of faces. Said expert has then determined (for money) that the skin’s luminosity has been instantly boosted.

You can instantly boost your skin’s luminosity by applying glitter to it. Which is a cheap shot, but I say it only to underline the absurdity of what’s happening here. “Scientifically proven” in this context has become “someone who is an undefined expert is something presumably sciencey (but undisclosed) has said that a person’s face looked shinier when they applied this product”.

Which isn’t exactly what you’d expect from “Scientifically proven to instantly boost skin’s luminosity”. It’s not a lie, exactly, but it’s a fucking stretch.

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Check the sample size

I am yet to see a cosmetic ad ‘study’ that includes more than about 150 people, often of undisclosed demographics (eg skin type, age, diligence of application).

And, typically, they’ll say something like this3

”Appropriate for post-procedure use.”

Buried in the small print: Following an Intense Pulsed Light (IPL) Treatment, shown to be safe for use when applied 24 hours after IPL in 2 week tolerance usage test on 32 panelists.

1. That’s a pretty narrow interpretation of ‘procedure’ you’re using there

2. 32 people

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“87% of women saw more radiance”

“Saw more radiance” is about as subjective as you can get. This tells us that the subjects reported their own experience and weren’t independently evaluated by a dermatologist. Also, please objectively and quantitatively define ‘radiance’ in the context of skin. I dare you.

Small print: 47 women used the product for one week

Clinically proven to visibly slow skin ageing and deliver lasting hydration. *

The small print, pasted here in full: *CLINICAL TEST OF 56 DAYS. For [founder’s name redacted], skin ageing is associated with biological ageing, including the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, loss of elasticity and vitality, dehydrated skin and dullness.

The fucking audacity of this. No details of the actual ‘test’ or number of participants, but some basic skincare trueisms thrown in as a distraction. For context, this product retails at over £200 for 30ml. With no facts to back it up.

So… is anything real?

Of course it is. And I’m not here to dissuade you from skincare, or from buying products that you’re convinced are working for you.

But remember that skincare marketing exists to benefit the corporation, not the consumer and employ some healthy scepticism about claims like these. If you’re about to buy something - particularly something notably expensive - on the basis of its claims, make sure you understand a) what those claims are and b) what available evidence backs up those claims.

This may help:

• Are the publicised results objective?

  • Subjective tells: “felt softer,” “saw a difference”, “appeared smoother.”

  • These all mean that participants self-reported after looking in a mirror and weren’t evaluated in person by a dermatologist/other skincare expert

• Are the results measurable?

  • These aren’t quantifiable: “Glow”, “radiance”, “youthful” etc

  • If you’re spending your money on products based on their scientific credentials, make sure you’re being sold something quantifiable

• Who ran/paid for the study?

  • If it’s brand-funded and unpublished, treat it as marketing, not evidence.

• Do they even have metrics to define and back up their claims?

  • An alarming number don’t. If clinically/scientifically proven is an important factor for you, run from these products/brands.

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This does feel like a fucking minefield

Told you so. And this is just one aspect of it. I cover some more marketing bollocks here, if you can bear it.

What can you do?

Use the checklist above. And make sure you’re ingredient-driven rather than jargon-driven. There are many ingredients that are proven to work in independent, peer-reviewed studies. Buy products that contain these. Don’t get conned into paying more for those ingredients because an actor holding a test tube makes you feel like you’re suddenly in on some hidden skincare secret4.

This will help if you’re an absolute beginner:

And never buy anything that’s out of your usual budget without doing some research.

Until the next time! x

I’m about to head South for the winter, so I’m doing the seasonal beauty product restock to fill my suitcase. And it occurred to me that these 5 things are indispensable, accept-no-substitutes superheroes.

I’ve written about some of them before, but here they are packaged together on one handy list:

Fino conditioner/conditioning mask

We’re starting with a double act, because I can’t choose between these two.

Fino Premium Touch Hair Mask £10

I use a lot of Kerastase products and I’m also a huge advocate of K18. But for a tenner, you cannot do better than this. I genuinely struggle to tell the difference between this and a Kerastase mask that retails at 5 times the price. I also love the smell beyond reason.

Fino Premium Touch Hair Conditioner £10 (for 550ml)

Again, the performance vs value of this is incredible. This is more of an everyday option, but is a total win. Lighter smell than the mask, leaves hair soft and untangled. What more are you looking for, really?

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Kose Softymo Deep Cleansing Oil £9

Still the most effective cleansing oil on the market, IMO. This significantly outperforms the DHC offering, is less sticky and smells better. A bottle should last about 3 months of daily use.

If you double cleanse, I urge you to give this a go.

Kao Biore UV Aqua Rich Water Essence SPF50 £7

You want to buy the Japanese formulation of this. There are local formulations available in the US and Europe, but they don’t sit as well under makeup. The Japanese version has Japanese lettering and looks like this:

You also want the watery essence1, not the watery gel2.

Forget everything you think you know about facial SPF, this stuff just feels like moisturiser. It’s formulated with hyaluronic acid, goes on smoothly and you can wear makeup over it without pilling or a white cast. And it is SO CHEAP.

Isehan - Kiss Me Heroine Make Smooth Liquid Eyeliner £7

I have used every liquid liner in humanity, and this is the best one for a clean wing. The black is true black and the applicator has a fine point that won’t let you down. This stuff works better than any luxe brand3.

Fino Premium Touch Penetration Essence Hair Oil £10

So, yeah, I’m sticking yet another Fino product in here. But, trust me, you need this brand in your life/on your hair.

As with everything in this post, this gives better results than other brands at several times the price. Specifically, it’s non-greasy, tames frizz and smells incredible. It also seems bottomless. This is my go-to to refresh my ends between washes. And did I mention the smell?

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How/where to buy Japanese cosmetics

I’ve linked to Stylevana throughout. They’re reliable and are always doing some kind of sale - so you can expect to pay 10-20% than the listed prices.

They have US and UK sites4.

So do YesStyle.

If you find yourself in a Japanese Beauty Product Emergency and can’t wait for shipping5 there are an increasing number of Japanese beauty stores about the place6. You’ll pay a couple of quid7 more for any item, but you may have the appetite for this in a genuine JBPE.

I go into detail about shopping from Asia here:

But my views on buying skincare from Amazon are neatly summed up here in a recent vnote to a friend89

Until the next time! x

I have said from the start of NBWI that I have no plans to turn this into a space to idly speculate on who’s had what done, so I’ll keep that to an absolute minimum here1. But barely a day goes by without some newly refreshed face hitting the newstands2, and I also get asked about this all the time IRL. Far be it from me to ignore the zeitgeist.

So, here’s why:

Everything is terrible right now

And speculating about famous faces is preferable to spending time thinking/talking about the certain doom of late-stage capitalism, the outrageous shrinkflation of crisp packets3 or who in your kid’s year is probably an emergent sociopath.

Gossip can be cathartic, and idle jibber jabber about someone you’ve never met is a low-stakes dopamine hit in desperate times.

Quite a lot of people are getting one thing or another done

It’s not just celebs. At this point, more or less everyone knows someone who’s had something done. There have never been more ways to enhance/change your appearance.

Social media, duh

And there have never been more ways to share the results with billions of people.

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And whenever anyone’s face looks different, there’s a tendency to assume it’s a facelift

Some people are not getting facelifts.

I said last year that I was pretty sure Lindsey Lohan didn’t have one.

There are other women4 who’ve had very public, non-facelift-related, glow-ups, and idle speculators are chomping at the bit to attribute that newfound radiance to a facelift.

Some people have definitely had a facelift, even if they’re not talking about it

Brad Pitt has had a facelift. Emily Blunt has had a facelift. Demi Moore has had a facelift5. Madonna has had a facelift6. So have many other people.

Aaaand some people are just openly talking about the fact that they’ve had a facelift

Sharon Osbourne, Kris Jenner and Katie Price are all tireless facelift stalwarts. All have kept us abreast of their multiple procedures, and these take up quite a lot of column inches.

This can make it seem as though a lot of people are getting facelifts, when quite a lot of the noise is made up of a handful of very vocal faceliftees, another handful being speculated about, and a lot of dead air to fill in between.

A note on Kris Jenner: Yes, her work is very good. But she pays for her own lighting people to light her for photos (even at events), and painstakingly curates the images of herself and of the rest of her family.

There are vanishingly few photos of her ‘in the wild’, and it’s long been known that the Kardashians have relationships with the paparazzi that enable them to choose - and alter - the photos that are published of them7. The recent8 photos of her at the Bezos wedding were out of her control and present a very different face.

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Influencer culture is real

There are a lot of people getting work done for free, which makes them highly motivated to talk/share content about it.

If I see one more ex-reality TV contestant tagging a hair transplant clinic in Turkiye, I will not be held responsible for my actions.

All of this, though, leads to a lot of exposure from this subset of users. This contributes to the impression that there’s a new face lurking around every corner of the internet.

It’s also worth noting

Facelifts have come a long way, baby. One of the reasons that more people are getting them - and that the have-they-or-haven’t-they’s have intensified - is that the potential results are getting better and better. A great facelift now looks like a refresh, not a flat, squinty-eyed mask.

If a person is facelift-inclined and they have the time and the money required, there’s never been a better time to get one.

And finally… Ozempic

A lot of people are losing a lot of weight right now. And fast weight loss often leads to loose skin. So a facelift can suddenly become a priority. Also, if you’re out on the town showing off your new bod, you kinda want a face to match. That’s why there have been some total transformations of people who no longer look anything like themselves9.

What does all of this mean for you?

It needn’t mean anything at all.

If you’re spending a lot of time:

• Worrying about other people’s faces

• Worrying about your face

Neither of these are the best use of your time. Put the internet down. Go for a walk. Make something with your hands. See how you feel after you’ve spent some time in nature.

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Should YOU get a facelift?

If you’re really, really spending a lot of time worrying about your face and you think a facelift is the answer, then read The Rules, thoroughly.

If your proposed facelift is Rules-compliant, then - as far as I’m concerned - your face is your business and no one else’s. But please, be really, really honest with yourself, and others, that it is Rules-compliant.

You’ll probably need this if you choose to proceed:

Until the next time! x

“Botox in a bottle”

I’ve already written about why this one boils my piss, but NEVER FORGET that nothing except Botox works like Botox1.

If it sounds scientific but means nothing: it’s bullshit

“Clinically proven*”

There is ALWAYS an asterisk that reveals how limited the scope of this is.

I originally intended to talk more about this here, but realised when writing it that it needs a whole post to itself. So… voila!

“Dermatologist approved”

Cosmetics company: “Random Doctor Dermatologist Person, if we pay you $$$, do you mind going on record to blandly state that this product is ‘approved’. That should be a vague enough claim for us all to feel good about this, right?”

Random Doctor Dermatologist Person: “Fuck yes! Approved!”

“Patented formulation”

What this means: this product likely contains inexpensive, out-of-patent active ingredients that a cosmetics company has combined in a ‘unique’ (and therefore patentable) way.

This can be as straightforward as a very cheap product with the addition of:

• A patented preservative

• A patented ingredient to improve the fragrance or ‘slip’ of a product

• A patented ingredient that regulates the release/delivery of the active ingredients

Make sure that the patented ingredient is specifically beneficial to your skincare concerns before you buy. Especially if its inclusion is inflating the price.

“Targets the signs of ageing”

You’ll see this ALL THE TIME. And it is ERRANT NONSENSE.

”Targets” - the intent is great, but ‘targeting’ is not the same as ‘doing’.

If you’d asked her, I’m pretty sure Raygun would have cheerfully told you that she was ‘targeting’ a gold medal at the Olympics, and I’m sure we’ll all remember how that turned out for the rest of our lives.

”The signs of ageing" - how deliciously vague. An intolerance to Radio One? The terror of realising that if Back to the Future were made today and Marty went 30 years into the past, he’d land in 1995? A sudden appreciation for stewed prunes? I could go on2. But this phrase is meaningless.

Targets + signs of ageing = meaningless squared.

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Natural ≠ good. Chemical ≠ bad.

Any of these terms are just trying to sell you something:

Chemical-free

Absolute nonsense. WATER is a chemical. Your body contains over 100,000 chemicals. DON’T FALL FOR THIS SHIT.

Detoxifies the skin

Nope. Skin is a barrier, not a filter. Pores don’t store toxins. You can detoxify your body, but your liver and kidneys already do a fine job of that for you. Maybe take a minute now to thank them?

‘Clean’ beauty

Eeeurgh. This one is second only to “Botox in a bottle”. There is no regulatory definition of ‘clean’ (or ‘dirty’) cosmetic/skincare products. It’s deliberately vague and designed to sound healthy whilst meaning fuck all.

Toxin-free

Similarly, there’s no standard definition of “toxin” in cosmetics. Literally everything is toxic in a high enough dose. Water can kill you if you drink enough of it.

All-natural ingredients (also ‘organic’)

Many synthetics are safer and more stable than their natural counterparts. Natural actually often means irritating, unstable or poorly preserved3. It doesn’t equal non-toxic. Mercury is ‘natural’ and that shit will absolutely fucking kill you.

Money for old soap

Every few months, someone reinvents moisturising and gives it a new name.

• Slugging = Vaseline4

• Skin cycling = using your products on different days

• Glass skin = hydration and light-reflective makeup

• Cloud skin = matte primer

• Skin flooding = applying a humectant to damp skin

• Skin streaming = deciding to use fewer skincare products5

• Cryo-sculpting/ice rolling = rubbing cold things on your face

• Jello/honey/dolphin/yoghurt skin = glowing skin

These aren’t inherently bad. But they are a marketing tactic to confuse you into buying some more shit you already own 5 bottles of.

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BONUS SECTION: The Marketing Bollocks Checklist

Ask yourself:

• Do I understand what these ingredients are?

• Will the ingredients do anything a decent £8 moisturiser won’t?

• Does the claim come with actual data that I understand?

• If this weren’t ‘luxe’ branded, would I still want it?

• Do I only want it because I hope it’ll make me look like the photoshopped woman in the ad?

• Am I considering buying it because the advert made me feel insecure?

• Is the ‘hero’ ingredient listed near the bottom of the ingredients list6?

• Is this product solving a real problem that I objectively have and have genuine concerns about?

• Could I explain to a dermatologist7 why I bought this?

Until the next time! x

3

Like Johnny Depp. BOOM BOOM.

At this point, my subscriber split is about 30/70 people who know me IRL vs people who don’t. So it felt like a good time to give you a better idea of who’s on the other end of this keyboard1.

Here are 24 things2, some of which may even be a surprise to those that I do know IRL.

1. I set fire to my entire life at the end of 2021 and left to go travelling ‘for 4 months’. I was gone for just under 3 years. I’m still not really settled/based anywhere and am figuring that out. Slowly.

   
   London is in my bones, Rio is in my heart. The idea of being in one place terrifies me, but the logistics of splitting my life between locations are hard3.

2. I’ve done a lot of energy work, spiritual shenanigans, plant medicine, you name it4. One day, I’ll start a new Substack to write about some of my experiences, but I have enough to do for now. In the meantime, I spoke about some of it on this podcast - it was 3 years ago5, so I’ve done quite a lot more since6 - but it’ll give you an idea, if you’re interested.

3. I’m an only child. Obviously.

4. I write erotica on the side7 and make considerably more money from that than I likely ever will from NBWI. I manage my feelings about that daily 😂.

5. I am autistic AF and have almost crippling ADHD. I had to self-diagnose both of these in my 40s8. This blows my mind, as my symptoms for both have been textbook my entire life9.

6. I’ve never been married or had kids. I’m actually pretty keen to get married10, but would be the first to acknowledge that if I’d done it any time before now, I would be Extremely Divorced11, with Miserable Children. I am pretty sure12 that the Universe is going to knock me up with twins13 when I’m 53 and fuck up my tranquility.

7. Most of my friends have never seen me drunk. I only drink when I feel like it. And I rarely feel like it. I find it almost impossible to turn a pickleback down though.

8. Despite this, I intend to sit my Diploma of Wine14 at some point in the future15.

9. The question I most dread is “Where are you from?”. Not because it’s a secret, but because I know an incredibly boring and somewhat confusing conversation is about to ensue16.

10. The question I dread second most is “What would your last meal on Earth be?”. I am pathologically incapable of answering this. I’d need a 96-hour rolling buffet of delicious and specific foodstuffs.

    And then I get in my head about the fact that one day I will have my last meal on Earth and I probably won’t know it when it’s happening and what if it’s shit and then I have to stop thinking for a bit17.

11. The question I dread third most18 is “So… What do people call you for short?”. They don’t. My name is Anne-Marie. Anything else hurts my soul19. The 2 exceptions to this are my 2 oldest friends, each of whom has their own nickname for me. My love for them overcomes this offence, somehow.

12. Tokyo is my favourite city in the world.

13. I think about the concept of Time more than is healthy20.

14. My mum’s English, my dad’s French21. I grew up in the UK but am bilingual. I reject virtually all French culture that isn’t gastronomic or cosmetic. Unless I’m witnessing British people drunk abroad, at which point I reject British culture in its entirety.

15. I love the Internet more than anything else in the world. And also blame it for at least 60% of all that’s currently wrong with the world.

16. I’ve completed Skyrim to 98% four times22

17. I objectively understand that astrology is obviously bullshit and yet find it to be weirdly and specifically accurate an unignorable amount of the time. The dichotomy of this plagues my existence.

18. You can trace a straight line between every procedure I’ve ever had and a romantic disappointment. If injected with truth serum, I would admit that I believe that every relationship/situationship that failed was because I wasn’t beautiful enough. The extent to which this means I back my personality is hilarious to me.

19. Dogs, cats and the under-10s often get weirdly obsessed with me. Some over-10s too.

    16 b) [Which reminds me] 3 different men - each of whom I’d already declined to go out with - have sent unsolicited love gifts23 to my place of work.

20. My degree is in social anthropology - people fascinate me - but I love money24 and my actual career is in Finance.

21. Being on the beach is my purpose. I’m pretty certain of this. Sunbathing naked is as close to bliss as I’ve ever been.
    (Top 3 beaches: Formentera, Zipolite, Ipanema25)

22. I’m part-qualified as a breathwork facilitator26. I have no plans to ever do this as a career, but I think it’s a beautiful practice.

23. I qualified as a make-up artist WAY back in 2013. I also have no plans to ever do this as a career27.

24. Every year, on my birthday, I ask my friends (aka the people who are supposed to love me most, who remain weirdly resistant to this, conceptually) to tell me what their favourite thing is about me. Answers vary, but are majority split between: my laugh, my boobs, my audacity.

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23

A tree (like, a giant fucking tree), a DVD and a purple dog. The tree and the dog were totally mystifying, conceptually.

So… WTF is it?

It’s a non-surgical (although still somewhat invasive) way to pull skin taut and can be done pretty much anywhere on the body - most commonly face/neck/stomach.

It was The Next Big Thing, touted as a non-surgical facelift and general solution to any sagging skin you wanted to tackle. Then, about 18 months later, it fell out of favour pretty dramatically as its efficacy and longer-term effects became better understood.

It is still being heavily advertised by some practitioners1, especially on social media, hence this post.

What’s the point of it? I mean, what does it actually do?

It tightens skin on a temporary basis.

How does it work?

Your skin literally gets pulled by threads.

They’re dissolvable and have little barbs along their length. They get threaded in under the skin, the barbs dig into your skin tissue and they’re tugged/manipulated until the skin sits in the desired position.

The threads are then tied off and subsequently dissolve over the next 6-12 months. Collagen production around the threads will increase as the skin repairs itself.

The number of threads used depends on the size of the area that’s being manipulated and the strength of the intended tightness. Thread lifts are generally priced per thread.

NB - threads can be made of different materials. PDO threads have the shortest efficacy span (3-6 months of optimal results), PLLA threads appear to offer longer-lasting effects (12 months of optimal, with some results persisting for up to 2 years).

And why would someone want it?

These were very well marketed and were more palatable to a lot of people who wanted a cheek/jowl/chin lift rather than a full/half facelift.

They also offered the promise of lift without surgery - the holy grail for some.

How much is it?

Quite a lot, given it doesn’t last that long.

For a thread face lift, depending on the relevant factors (desired outcome, type of thread, skin laxity etc), it would start at around £$1800 and go up to around £$3000.

Given that the lift only lasts 6-12 months (the skin will start to drop after this, although - as above - some effects may last up to 2 years - this is highly dependent on each person’s skin condition and elasticity), this gets pretty expensive to maintain, pretty quickly.

For context, a facelift will last 10 years and you can get a good one from a well-respected surgeon in London starting from around £10k.

I’m not here to advocate for a facelift, but the return on your investment is, objectively, a no-brainer.

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Does it hurt?

The procedure is done under local anaesthetic. There will be ‘discomfort’2 but it’s obviously less invasive or painful than a facelift - which was the main selling point of thread lifts.

There’s swelling and bruising for about a week and then you should be good.

There is the risk of Unintended Side Effects, though. More on those further down…

Have I had one?

No, but I seriously considered one3.

I talked to my botox doctor about it and he was a HARD NO. His clinic used to offer them, although he didn’t personally, but they discontinued the treatment as the results were so variable/short-lived.

He said at cosmetic surgery/medical aesthetics conferences, they’d gone from being a significant talking point to being more or less irrelevant.

Would I get one?

Absolutely not. The cost/results/risk don’t add up for me.

If you get one of these and you like the effects, best case you get the ‘just done’ appearance for a year. Then it’s another £££ for the next one.

I’ll have a facelift instead. Or - you know - just… age.

Should you have it?

I try to stay fairly neutral when it comes to your life decisions about your face, but on this occasion, I would urge you reconsider a thread lift as a viable option.

You can choose to disregard my opinion, of course.

Anything else I think you should know?

Other risks to consider:

• Same as filler, the threads can dissolve asymmetrically and/or unpredictably, giving you a lopsided effect

• The threads can pucker and/or become visible under the skin

As above, this is often marketed as fast, cheap, simple non-invasive and effective, but it’s really only ‘fast’.

If you were desperate for a quick fix (eg the ex you’re still in love with is marrying your sister and you’re bridesmaid4) this might fit the bill, but no-one is worth the risk of disfiguring yourself for5.

Until next time! x

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Disclaimer: ‘WTF is…’ guides are intended to be a 3-5 minute introduction to a topic. They are, by their nature, not exhaustive.

If you have a concern that I’ve irresponsibly included/omitted information, don’t hesitate to get in touch to let me know and I’ll take a look.

Reminder that any cosmetic work undertaken should be in accordance with The 6 rules of cosmetic work. Here they are, in case you missed them the first time…

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How this crossed my radar

• My friend Jaimie introduced me to them last year in Rio. I ate more than any reasonable person should, then promptly forgot all about them until I got back here this year.

• I was eating some whilst writing this1 and checked if they were available outside Latin America AND THEY ARE.

What I want you to know about them

• These are frozen raspberries coated in chocolate

• They are completely delicious bites of joy.

• They’re from Argentina but are obviously amidst a massive expansion plan.

• You can find out if/where they’re available in your country here

Why I love them

• As above, they are completely delicious bites of joy

• Raspberries + dark chocolate? This is a veritable FEAST of antioxidants. These things are basically a health food

• Despite the fact that a) they are completely delicious b) I am greedy AF, I struggle to eat more than 4-5 of these in a sitting. No unwittingly downing a pint of ice cream with these bad boys

  

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This guy (Dr Evan Rieder)

How this crossed my radar

The Instagram algorithm took a break from showing me ADHD app adverts, that french guy talking about why women don’t date any longer and Thoren Bradley content2 and sent this chap my way

What I want you to know about him

• There are thousands of cosmetic surgeons/aesthetic doctors with social media accounts; this guy’s content is way less ego-driven than most of them.

• I am quite sick of the ‘Cosmetic Surgeons Rank [insert trends] Out Of 10’ motif. There’s some dickhead endorsing beef tallow as a facial moisturiser. It’s exhausting3.

• I am yet to be in violent disagreement with this chap, however4.

• Many of the most sensible people that I follow in this space also follow him.

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Why I love him

• He and I hate/are sceptical of most of the same things. As a result, I have a lot of time for him 😊

• He shows his workings, giving a detailed explanation to support his assertions, whilst being succinct and concise. Win.

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Arket Sweatshirts

How these crossed my radar

• Arket is part of the H&M family - the brand launched in 2017 - and they actually crossed my radar because TMWSORMLBIATOPWITE5 was a huge fan of the store6.

• I discovered a love of sweatshirts in 2021, so it was only a matter of time before I discovered these.

What I want you to know about them

• I genuinely cannot believe I’ve never written about these before7.

• They usually release 4 limited edition new colours a year. The grey melange is the only constant.

• I own 16 of them8

• They come up large9. I get XS and usually get them taken in at the waist/armpits. The XXS is too short for me10.

• H&M do 15% off online for 72 hours about every 6 weeks. Arket clothes are included in this1112.

• Sorry US, you’re out of luck - Arket don’t ship to the US. Full list of their shipping destinations is here.

Why I love them

• The fabric is soft and thick without being heavy and washes super well.

• They’re boxy without being shapeless and hang well.

• They’re under £50 for 100% terry cotton, which - in this economy - is extraordinary value for money.

• An Arket sweatshirt and a leather mini skirt is basically my London uniform13. These sweatshirts go with everything. I’ve also been known to wear mine without very much else :)

  

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K18 leave-in molecular repair hair mask

What I want you to know about it

So I wrote about this at some length last year.

I still love it and use it around twice a week.

But, what I love best is the UK reseller I found to buy the 150ml size from for £70 (instead of £70RRP for the 50 ml size). It’s slightly convoluted, so I’m not going to write it up here, but DM me if you want the details14.

Ninabella hairbrush

How this crossed my radar

• My friend Angharad15 has one - and was beside herself with joy when she realised she was introducing me to something in the realm of beauty accessories.

What I want you to know about it

• It is SO light. It looks like it can’t possibly do anything as it’s so insubtantial, but it DOES THINGS.

• It is £7.49. THAT’S UNDER EIGHT POUNDS ($10 in US).

  • I have a Mason Pearson boar bristle brush that does FUCK ALL16 for my hair that cost me £20017. The maths18 of this is irresistible.

• It comes in about 80 colours if that’s your thing

Why I love it

• It just fucking WORKS - detangles and glides through hair effortlessly19

• I have hair that’s straight at the front and wavy at the back20, so hairbrushing after it’s not freshly washed can make my hair puff up in a giant floofest. Not with this guy.

• You can’t use it ‘hairdryer to brush’ in the way you can a paddle brush (the bristles would melt), but I have thick hair and I’ve blow dried my hair with this ever since I got it. The open back means the air flows through easily, which I’m sure speeds up the blow dry time.

  • If you have thinner/less dense hair, the risk of bristle-melt is substantially higher.

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Until the next time x

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So… WTF is it?

Technically, ‘retinoids’ describes the entire Vitamin A skincare family (retinol, retinal and retinoic acid).

However, when people talk about retinoids, they’re generally referring to retinoic acid, AKA prescription-strength retinoids, AKA (most commonly) tretinoin/tret.

What’s the point of it? I mean, what does it actually do?

Retinoic acid was originally used in the treatment of acne, but it’s increasing in popularity as anti-ageing skincare.

How does it work?

All topical1 Vitamin A skincare products work the same way:

• Promote skin cell turnover - i.e. encourage dead skin layers to shed and new cells to grow, meaning your skin is ‘newer’ on the surface

• Stimulate Collagen Production -
  

• Reduce inflammation - can improve redness, swelling, and irritation

• Fades hyperpigmentation — including melasma, age spots, and acne scars

Retinoic acid is the highest concentration Vitamin A skincare ingredient and is only available by prescription.

In addition to the above, it can unclog pores and regulate oil production2

And why would someone want it?

It’s very effective at rejuvenating skin and is one of the only topically applied ingredients that is clinically proven to stimulate collagen production.

Results are also quick, although some may experience The Purge (more on which below).

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How much is it?

Incredibly cheap when compared to most skincare products that don’t deliver anything near the anti-ageing benefits of this mutha.

It’s only available by prescription.

In the UK, a private prescription will cost you around £203.

US drug prices are highly variable depending on whether you’re prescribed generic or branded and what your insurance will cover. Welcome to the dystopian nightmare that is your healthcare system!

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Does it hurt?

No. But approach with caution. Retinoic acid is extremely powerful and you may experience one or more of the below:

• Skin peeling

• Increased sensitivity to the sun (which will also result in skin peeling)

• The Purge - some prescription retinoid users experience severe disruption to the skin for the first 2-3 months of use. This can result in acne/pimple breakouts, peeling, dryness and redness/irritation

• If you get facial hair waxed whilst on retinoids, it’s likely to take off the top layer of your skin. Sooooo, maybe don’t?

Have I used it?

Yes, I used to use it daily (at night, azelaic acid in the morning) and was astonished at the speed and efficacy of results. The tretinoin glow IS REAL.

Would I use it?

I had to stop after a few months. I spend too much time in the sun and I was noticeably peeling.

I now use azelaic acid (20% concentration) twice a day instead and am really happy with it.

Azelaic acid does not boost collagen production4 however; bear this in mind if this is important to you.

I would absolutely start using a prescription retinoid again if I had less sun exposure.

Should you have it?

Unless you spend a lot of time in the sun, there’s unlikely to be a more effective topical anti-ageing product out there for you.

Anything else I think you should know?

I wrote all about prescription skincare (where to buy, characteristic Stern Words Of Advice etc) here:

This resource5 is absolutely incredible if you’re embarking on a prescription retinoid journey.

There are 4 methods to apply prescription retinoids. They are all detailed here, along with PAGES of helpful advice. Honestly, read it.

In case you don’t read it6 start with the lowest concentration and move up only once your skin tolerates the lowest concentration effortlessly. You also don’t have to move up if you’ve already achieved the outcome you wanted.

Reminder: you don’t have to use it, just because it’s there.

More skincare is not better. LESS skincare is better.

But if you’re spending a lot on skincare in the pursuit of smoother skin, a prescription retinoid7 is likely cheaper and more effective than anything else you’re using.

Until next time! x

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Disclaimer: ‘WTF is…’ guides are intended to be a 3-5 minute introduction to a topic. They are, by their nature, not exhaustive.

If you have a concern that I’ve irresponsibly included/omitted information, don’t hesitate to get in touch to let me know and I’ll take a look.

Reminder that any cosmetic work undertaken should be in accordance with The 6 rules of cosmetic work. Here they are, in case you missed them the first time…

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So… WTF is it?

Retinol is a skin care ingredient. It’s a low concentration form of Vitamin A that’s available without a prescription.

What’s the point of it? I mean, what does it actually do?

It’s used in the treatment of fine lines and skin tone/texture improvement.

How does it work?

All topical1 Vitamin A skincare products work the same way:

• Promote skin cell turnover - i.e. encourage dead skin layers to shed and new cells to grow, meaning your skin is ‘newer’ on the surface

• Stimulate Collagen Production -
  

• Reduce inflammation - can improve redness, swelling, and irritation

• Fades hyperpigmentation — including melasma, age spots, and acne scars

Retinol is a lower concentration than prescription-strength retinoids, but its properties are the same.

And why would someone want it?

Because they… don’t want fine lines and wrinkles?

Retinol also gets marketed pretty hard by skincare brands as an effective anti-ageing product.

(This is because they’re not allowed to sell you prescription-strength Vitamin A)

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How much is it?

Retinol is relatively cheap as an ingredient - The Ordinary have a variety of concentrations starting at around £$8.

As ever with skincare, some companies will charge you a lot more if you let them get away with it. Here’s a retinol for £325 if you’re feeling sprauncy.2

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Does it hurt?

No. As with much skincare, if you use too high a concentration then you may experience skin irritation (probably redness and flakiness), but retinol definitely shouldn’t hurt

Have I used it?

Yes, but not in any meaningful/sustained way. I dabbled in The Ordinary and that Vichy eye cream that everyone stanned in the 90s.

Would I use it?

My scorching hot take here is that it’s too late for retinol if you already have visible lines and wrinkles.

I don’t think it’s harmful and I don’t avoid it, but I think most of 35 have already aged out and should be using either prescription-strength vitamin A, Botox or mechanical means (lasers, microneedling etc) to reduce the appearance of wrinkles.

It’s not bad. But it’s probably a waste of money for the over-35s if the outcome you’re looking for is a reduction in lines.

Should you have it?

This is between you and your wallet. IMO you’ll get better bang for your buck from other ingredients/methods.

Also, Vitamin A products increase your skin’s sensitivity to the sun, so this may not be the ingredient for you if you get a lot of sun exposure.

You should always use SPF if you’re using retinol products3.

Anything else I think you should know?

Retinol is available over the counter in concentrations of 0.01-1%. The percentage denotes the concentration by weight of pure retinol in the formulation

The temptation with skincare is always to start with the highest concentration, with the distorted logic that this will be the highest efficacy.

If you’re new to retinol, start with the lowest concentration and work your way up. Don’t shock your skin. No higher than 0.1% for your first try and definitely lower if you have sensitive skin.

It will likely take 2-3 months of consistent use to see a visible improvement. Do not increase the concentration until you’re past the 3-month mark.

Some people absolutely love A313 cream, which is at the lower concentration end (0.12%).

It’s cheapest in France, but is easily available all over the world for around £$25. I actively loathe this stuff - it makes my skin feel claustrophobic - but it has thousands of adoring fans, so it would be remiss of me not to mention it.

Final reminder: You shouldn’t combine vitamin A and vitamin C products in the same routine. You can do Vit C in the morning and retinol at night.

I write about it here:

And I tell you why Vitamin C products probably aren’t worth your time here:

Until next time! x

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Disclaimer: ‘WTF is…’ guides are intended to be a 3-5 minute introduction to a topic. They are, by their nature, not exhaustive.

If you have a concern that I’ve irresponsibly included/omitted information, don’t hesitate to get in touch to let me know and I’ll take a look.

Reminder that any cosmetic work undertaken should be in accordance with The 6 rules of cosmetic work. Here they are, in case you missed them the first time…

Share Not Born With It

I get a message like this approximately once a week from people who know me IRL. This one happens to reference a few things that I’ve been meaning to write about for a while.

There is no shade to the original message sender here, but this is how people get talked into buying products that they may not need and can propagate somewhat unhelpful stuff if they don’t do their own research.

Expensive facial

We have no details of what this expensive facial involved.

My advice, though: in 2025, you should not be paying for a facial in which your face is slathered in fluids and the occasional spot is squeezed.

A 2025 facial should come with heavy machinery. I’m talking microneedling, LED, IPL, BBL, microdermabrasion1.

Retinol

If you’re over 35, you’ve already aged out of retinol and should have graduated to a retinoid2 if that’s the effect you’re after. Retinol won’t do you any harm - and it’s an excellent idea to incorporate into your routine in your 20s - but it’s unlikely to give you any meaningful improvement post-35.

Don’t forget about azelaic acid, which doesn’t promote collagen but improves skin texture and is much better tolerated by most skin types.

Vitamin C (aka ascorbic acid)

I wrote about this at some length here

TLDR: Vitamin C products tend to be disproportionately expensive and there’s no clinical evidence that they do more for you when applied topically than eating an orange. Eat your vitamin C, don’t apply it.

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Caution

If you decide to ignore my sage advice3 and use Vitamin C products, be aware that you should not combine Vitamin C products with retinol/retinoids.

You can use one in the morning and one at night, but don’t use both in the same part of your routine - they don’t play nicely together.

Niacinamide

Wrote about this too :)

TLDR: works, cheap, get involved (if it suits your skin)

Peptides

Only copper peptides are proven to promote collagen.

NIOD’s are awesome, there is a cheaper version by The Ordinary if you prefer to start there4.

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Lipids (often aka Ceramides in the context of skincare)

These are just fatty acids that moisturise the skin. Some examples are:

• Jojoba oil

• Lanolin

• Beeswax

• Squalane/squalene

• Shea butter

In other words: moisturising is important. This may help:

Protecting your skin barrier is very important, but remember that throwing a load of product at your face can do more to stress and harm your skin barrier than the elements.

Collagen production

Things that boost collagen production:

• Eating Vitamin E/C-rich foods

• Red light therapy5

• Microneedling

• Morpheus86

• Vitamin A skincare (retinoids, retinol7)

• Copper peptides

• Profhilo8

K-beauty

Yep, wrote about that too…

(and its more sophisticated older sister, J-beauty)

There are some incredible skincare products coming out of Korea and Japan, but the idea that “they’re a lot more advanced than Western products” is sheer madness.

They also can seem cheap, but bear in mind that these are often straightforward pharmacy brands, equivalent to CeraVe, Superdrug or Boots No7. They just look fancier because they’re unfamiliar and because Asian brands are often beautifully packaged. And sometimes the package size is small…

Beauty of Joseon is fine, no criticisms, but it’s not exceptional. Also, many Korean pharmacy brands are formulated for 20-something skin.

In summary - explore these, see if they work for you and use if they do. They’re not a silver bullet9.

I give advice on where to buy Asian skincare towards the bottom of this post. There are a lot of fakes on Amazon.

The most important thing

There is no one-size-fits-all solution to great skin.

There isn’t even one single definition of what great skin is.

What matters is that you understand your skin type10 and the products that make your skin feel fabulous and (crucially) unirritated.

Remember that what works for someone else may not work for you - this is the beauty and frustration of Being Human.

A consistent routine (even of relatively low cost products) will likely do more for you over the long term than occasional use of a super-spendy Wonder Product.

Until the next time!

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