How to navigate unhelpful conversations about your appearance at Christmas
“If you think you're enlightened, try spending a week with your family.” Ram Dass
A friend of mine - who is almost infinitely wise and also many-siblinged - has a theory that each of us regresses to the worst, most annoying version of ourselves, whatever age that was, the moment we cross our parents’ thresholds.
Add to that the societal, financial and chronological pressures of Christmas and it’s no wonder that rows tend to abound over the festive period.
I can’t change your family - trust me, if I had those powers, I would have started with my own - but I can try to help you get to New Year’s with your self-image intact.
I wrote this, in the context of cosmetic work and without a Christmassy slant, and there’s some good shiz within. Give it a read, especially if you’ve had work done this year or are planning work for next year that someone in your orbit may have an unhelpful opinion on:
Christmas and New Year’s though, are times when everything feels a bit heightened. There’s the whole pressure of reflecting back on the past year and - *gulp* - figuring out how to make next year better. If you’re in the northern hemisphere, it also feels as though it’s been dark for at least 4 years by the time Christmas rolls around1. No-one is their best self right now.
And that’s before you potentially get jammed in with ageing parents, multiple siblings, stray relatives and innumerable children, all hyped up with nowhere to go2. Any or all of this crew may also legitimately and objectively be total arseholes.
But, enough admiring the problem and onto the Infinite Wisdom.
Don’t engage with a Problem Person (PP)
If you have a family member (or, horrors, more than one) who is consistently picking at you about your appearance, year-on-year, the only thing you can really do is disregard their nonsense.
I know this is hard.
But if every conversation you’ve had with them for the past 20 years has gone the same way, this is unlikely to be The Year Of The Breakthrough, so I’d say there’s little point tackling them about it.
I’m not advising you to be a doormat or to agree with them, but to remind yourself at all times that whatever they’re saying to you is merely a projection of their own deep inner sadness and insecurity.
And go and watch The Wizard Of Oz instead. Maybe have a Mini Cheddar. Or an Elizabeth Shaw Bridge Mint3.
Protect yourself
Avoidance
If you have a Problem Person (PP) whom you are dreading seeing and spending time with, do you really have to see them? COVID is still available as a pretty failsafe get-out clause if it would be easier to avoid them altogether.
Share the load, have an ally
If it’s not feasible to dodge the problem, rope in your partner and/or a sympathetic relative to be your Yuletide Ally so they can make sure you have as little possible one-on-one time with the PP4.
If you are subjected to the same nonsense every year “Ohhhh, you’re wearing that? How funny!” or “I always forget how much older you are than me until I see you” or some other such triggering bullshit, forewarn your ally so that they can distract the PP when the timeworn phrases start to make an appearance.
Also, agree with your ally that you will need to take them aside and laugh about any unhelpful remarks the PP may manage to land. Pre-agree a signal with them if possible.
Get a virtual ally, if necessary
If Fate has handed you the cruelty of a scenario where it’s just you and a PP - or a collection of PPs - for Christmas:
Set up a Christmas Support WhatsApp/iMessage/Messenger/whatever group immediately. Like, RIGHT NOW. Gather a collective of people that you can message in real-time, ridiculing the situation that you find yourself in. Everyone has family lunacy at Christmas, use one another as an outlet. Revel in your shared, terrible experiences 😊.
Make a commitment to yourself that you will take whatever measures necessary to ensure that Christmas 2024 (or, better yet, NYE 2023) is spent with the best people that you know.
Comments about your clothing
Basically… pretend you’re Grace Jones
If, you don’t usually bother to dress up for Christmas and the fam have something to say about it, either:
Throw on some sequins, whack on some lipstick and join the party. Drink Babycham and Baileys5 for 48 hours and pretend you’re Grace Jones misbehaving at Bungalow 86.
Own your choice. Double down. Wear Santa pants. Revel in your comfort levels and feel the deep relief of actually not giving a shit about this any longer. STILL pretend you’re Grace Jones. You think Grace Jones is giving any fucks about what her family thinks about her outfit? Hell to the no.
Grace was nearly 40 and had a 7 year-old when this was filmed. If you go with option 2 and someone in your family has something to say about it, do not engage. Sashay past them in your Santa pants and mentally picture this takedown.
TODAY, YOU ARE GRACE FUCKING JONES. Don’t dream it, be it 😉
Incidentally, if you’re the only one in your family who *does* dress up and someone wants to make a thing of that. Guess what? You are also Grace Jones.
Comments around “You look tired”
I’m going to write a post on tiredness soon.
Spoiler: it will say that getting cosmetic work because you look tired is the least sustainable cosmetic work you can get.
There’s a version of this where you find it a comfort when someone points out that you look tired. “Yes! Yes I fucking am! FINALLY SOMEONE NOTICED!”
Looking tired has its roots much deeper than your appearance. If someone brings this up, I would urge you - rather than getting distracted by how your tiredness is showing on your face - to have a conversation about what’s making you tired and to ask for help with practical factors if you can.
Comments about your weight
Now, it may be that you are not the weight that you would like to be (in either direction). In December, however, this is the very definition of A Next Year Problem.
And that’s literally only a week away.
So - for now - everyone can fuck the fuck off about your weight and you enjoy Christmas, however you like.
And if you’re (really, genuinely) happy with your weight and someone else tries to tell you that you shouldn’t be, don’t get sucked into their projection onto you.
That may be easier said than done, but just call on St Joan during this difficult time. DO NOT SAY THIS OUT LOUD to your PP, but just imagine how satisfying it would be.
Walk away in silent dignity, with a spring in your step and a mysterious Joan-inspired smile on your face and make the PP wonder wtf is going on.
You may still hear some of this shit
If you have a parent, child, sibling or in-law who is likely to pull any of this nonsense, just brace yourself for it now and - if it happens - at a minimum, take a second to laugh about the fact that this was so predictable EVEN I, Random Internet Lady, was able to see it coming.
You know I/[relative name] has been so much happier since I/they [did something cosmetic that you’re not interested in pursuing]
Are you sure you don’t want to [do something cosmetic that you’ve already told them you're not interested in pursuing]
I just think you’d look so much better if you would only…
I know you might think [X thing] looks good, but I just… *hopeless shrug*
I just think it’s a shame that/aren’t you worried that/couldn’t you just [about a thing that you don’t think is a shame, aren’t worried about and couldn’t just]
Also, never lose sight of the fact that it could probably be a lot worse
Be compassionate
If you’re not the butt of this in your family, but someone else is, be the ally.
Finally
Make a date with yourself to watch this episode of The Bear before AND after Christmas, to remind you that there are worse outcomes out there…
Merry Christmas!
Which, obviously, yes, is why the holiday even exists at this time of year.
I’ll be spending it on my own on the beach in Rio. I’ll think of you 🍹
These options are only available to UK readers. This kind of innovation also gave us Shakespeare and The Beatles.
If your partner is the PP, you have a whole other problem that is for a therapist (and, possibly, a removal company) and not this post.
Not together. Although, if that’s your poison: YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD
True story: Grace Jones attended Jade Jagger's birthday in 2003 in a bar in Mayfair, London. She disappeared into a cubicle for ages and then burst out, executing karate moves while announcing loudly in a fake German accent: "Here is ze cocaine autobahn!"
This sent me on a Grace Jones deep dive! X
Essential pre-reading for all family gatherings